cuteness

i went to pick up my 7 yr old niece from her school today and when we were buying something at a convenient store a little girl, probably 7-10 yrs old was singing along with Neyos' song MAD with the radio. i find it unusual to see a little girl liking songs like that, but when i went home i realize its not unusual its just plain cute, my little niece cassie sings and dance when i grow up by the pussycat dolls, Bleeding in love by Leonna lewis, i staly in love by mariah Carey and a whole lot more and most of them are in my ipod. ; >

its just so cute. just sharing.

new things

got a new hair cut.. its like my last haircut which is not what im going for but theres nothing i can do now.. with bangs again...hehe im still forcing myself to like it..hehe

too long to be another comment...hehe

Thanks marelle.. hehe honestly, alam kong im just delaying the job hunting, but my reasons are my fear and what i said on the last paragraph of my entry "still thinking". i think im trapped coz i want to change things(i feel like they have to change before i'll leave them for work). i do not want to work here in Olongapo, i dont think ill be independent here.hehe anyways i feel like if i leave everything will fall to one person.

No one knows about this change things i want to do, because i want it to occur "naturally". naturally as in they'll realize it without me pointing it out because if i say it, it wont be understood. trust me, because im always wrong.hehe i know im not smart, especially with living life but i think ive seen enough for me to know that i might be right on this one and im doing this for love.hehe gulo noh? nde ko kasi pwedeng sabihin, at nde ko din ma-explain ung gusto ko.hehe

anyways txt mo ako kung alam mu na kung saan bibili ng tikets sa eheads ha..;)

in relation to the change thing, me and my mama have a trip to palawan on the first week of feb. and from the moment i said i want to come they've been thinking for reasons for me not to come. most of their reasons makes me feel selfish again and its true that im being selfish but i think this would start the change im saying. if they survive for 4days without me and mama then i can start looking for a job. ;) and besides this oppurtunity could start a new mother-daughter relationship, we could bond.hehe

You’re a lonely soul

(this is a very old post, this was from last year but I think I forgot about it so it never got posted. Its weird because I still feel this way and the routine is still this way. How sad!!)

 

I miss a lot of people right now. i feel so lonely, every good thing or a day doesn't seem to be complete. My friends from college are too busy to be bothered and I don't know where the others are anymore. My friends from high school are either busy for work or looking for work or at home but can't go out. For the past "free" days(it's a long weekend) I'll wake up on an empty house because my family decided to go somewhere they think I don't want to go. My everyday routine would be, waking up at 7am, bring cassie to school wait there 'til 11am, go home, lunch, usually sleep until 4pm, either watch cassie practice her dance or teach her homeworks or watch T.V., eat dinner, watch t.v. try to sleep until 1 or 2 am(usually my time of sleep) then start again. I cant complain, im not doing anything, im not looking for a job and I have nowhere to go. I guess this is what you get after years of studying with duties at the hospital and doing researches for case presentations then suddenly you stop. Since I have no plans of working anytime soon I think im stuck here till I can get an excuse to leave, which is doing something work related. I want a vacation, I want to pamper myself in the way im imagining it. After I get those things I think that'll be the time for me to move on, but there's no sign I can get them. There's no one to be with, no enough money and it feels like there's no time anymore.

I’m still thinking.

I told myself that this year I'll look for a job. But even if my mom reminds me of that everyday and my friend ask me to come with her in her interviews so that I can pass my resume I seem to find myself still trapped. I cant force myself to go to manila I always have this "barter" with myself that ill only go to manila if I have a place to stay in so that I can take my time. I know there's still something to do or complete but ill always look for another thing to do before ill complete them.

I don't think the way or the reasons "they" are dying to "influence" me about me looking for a job is helping at all, they just made me more confused, stressed and pressured and I think with all those feelings or emotions in me my mind tend to shut-down and that's why I have never come up with what ill do for my future. I know it sounds stupid and dramatic but that's just how I feel right now and I know that I can easily be manipulated by them and that's why I'm very cautious when I listen to them that sometimes I think that everything they would say is always a bad thing for me which is very selfish in a way. I have made my decisions before and I thought that they'll understand and try to support me but they became impatient seeing me doing nothing everyday of my so called "vacation".(nothing as in nothing that they tell me to.) I was told that im turning 23 this year and that im old enough to decide for myself, but they say that after I said No to what they told me what to do. Whats the point of telling me that I can decide for myself when they wont take no for an answer?

I think I know what I need to do and that's to tell them what I really want and ask them to understand me. Its simply to speak up for myself and speak in a normal "explaining" way. Easy to say or write but hard for me to do. Really,really hard, seriously hard. Id rather pray that something hit me in the head and give me something good to do that'll make them most happy. I find it hard to speak up to them because im afraid to be hurt, to wait or to hope and then I'll realize that I've been manipulated to do what they told me to do in the first place which happens most of the time. I see and understand that they cant change, if this is how they see things it'll stay that way forever and there is no room for consideration. i find it selfish of them and it hurts me that this is also what traps me here, I want to change it but at the same time I have to move forward with my life. So there, even If I thought I have decided before im still thinking and rethinking actually because I saw another way. Is this really what's confusing me or I gave in to them again and I am manipulated again?

Bye 2008, Welcome 2009.

Blessings of 2008. It's been a good year for me there are so many blessings that I always manage to forget that's why I thought I had a bad year. So remembering them now makes me feel happy about last year. Here are some of the good things I'm remembering right now plus a "comment/suggestion/wish/to do" for this New Year.

1. My dad went home 2 times this year. March and September. (For this year, hope he will still be ok "out there" but it would be better if he'll be back home for good.)
   
2. I graduated. (This year I have to have a work, a paying one.)
   
3. I passed my board exams. I thank God for this, there is some divine intervention there, I know. ; ) (if ever I'll get the chance to take the ielts or nclex exam this year I hope id pass them too! But my goal for this year is to find work so to pass the interviews would be great too!)
   
4. My 3 year old nieces went to school and they are learning a lot. (this year id make it my goal no.2 to convince their parents to enroll them to ballet school during summer, they like dancing and Cassie obviously have the talent, this would be a great foundation to their future)
   
5. My 7 year old nieces reading skills are improving and she got a bronze medal from kumon for her math (I'll be more supportive, PATIENT and patient to her this year. Be more patient to her!! I'll make this my order to myself... ; )
   
6. My childhood friend Karen visited us for a week from Bacolod. Its been years since we last saw each other. (this year I'll be more friendly, see good things in people first before I'd hate them… ; ))
   

 

I think that's all I can remember for now.

Here are some things that id like to do for this year, it still have a connection with my birthday resolution which I have to check 3months + some weeks from now.

• The change I have to do. A lot have happened last year but I still can't feel any improvement. This s*cks.
  
• The me time. Yes I already spent 7 months without doing anything and still didn't get the "me time" I want to talk to myself. *weirdo*hehe I think other people call it (some kinda like) reflecting, but I know there's a word for it which sounds so much better and appropriate. Hehe
  

 

I hope id really find the courage and patience to do what I want, this is probably what I lack most of the time that's why I'm stuck to what I am now.