I’m still thinking.

I told myself that this year I'll look for a job. But even if my mom reminds me of that everyday and my friend ask me to come with her in her interviews so that I can pass my resume I seem to find myself still trapped. I cant force myself to go to manila I always have this "barter" with myself that ill only go to manila if I have a place to stay in so that I can take my time. I know there's still something to do or complete but ill always look for another thing to do before ill complete them.

I don't think the way or the reasons "they" are dying to "influence" me about me looking for a job is helping at all, they just made me more confused, stressed and pressured and I think with all those feelings or emotions in me my mind tend to shut-down and that's why I have never come up with what ill do for my future. I know it sounds stupid and dramatic but that's just how I feel right now and I know that I can easily be manipulated by them and that's why I'm very cautious when I listen to them that sometimes I think that everything they would say is always a bad thing for me which is very selfish in a way. I have made my decisions before and I thought that they'll understand and try to support me but they became impatient seeing me doing nothing everyday of my so called "vacation".(nothing as in nothing that they tell me to.) I was told that im turning 23 this year and that im old enough to decide for myself, but they say that after I said No to what they told me what to do. Whats the point of telling me that I can decide for myself when they wont take no for an answer?

I think I know what I need to do and that's to tell them what I really want and ask them to understand me. Its simply to speak up for myself and speak in a normal "explaining" way. Easy to say or write but hard for me to do. Really,really hard, seriously hard. Id rather pray that something hit me in the head and give me something good to do that'll make them most happy. I find it hard to speak up to them because im afraid to be hurt, to wait or to hope and then I'll realize that I've been manipulated to do what they told me to do in the first place which happens most of the time. I see and understand that they cant change, if this is how they see things it'll stay that way forever and there is no room for consideration. i find it selfish of them and it hurts me that this is also what traps me here, I want to change it but at the same time I have to move forward with my life. So there, even If I thought I have decided before im still thinking and rethinking actually because I saw another way. Is this really what's confusing me or I gave in to them again and I am manipulated again?